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American Dream Serialization (Early Chapters)
Introduction to Jim Chaffee's Studies in Mathematical Pornography by Maurice Stoker
Introduction to Jim Chaffee's Studies in Mathematical Pornography by Tom Bradley
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: American Dream Title Page by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 1 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 2 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 3 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 4 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 5 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 6 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 7 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 8 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 9 by Jim Chaffee
01-01-2015
Modern Tragedy, or Parodies of Ourselves by Robert Castle
01-11-2014
Totally Enchanté, Dahling by Thor Garcia
01-04-2014
Hastini by Rudy Ravindra
The Satyricon of Petronius Arbiter Volume 5 Translation by W. C. Firebaugh
01-01-2014
Unexpected Pastures by Kim Farleigh
10-01-2013
Nonviolence by Jim Courter
The Satyricon of Petronius Arbiter Volume 4 Translation by W. C. Firebaugh
07-01-2013
The Poet Laureate of Greenville by Al Po
The Apocalypse of St. Cleo, Part VI by Thor Garcia
The Satyricon of Petronius Arbiter Volume 3 Translation by W. C. Firebaugh
04-01-2013
The Apocalypse of St. Cleo, Part V by Thor Garcia
The Apocalypse of St. Cleo, Part IV by Thor Garcia
The Satyricon of Petronius Arbiter Volume 2 Translation by W. C. Firebaugh
01-01-2013
The Apocalypse of St. Cleo, Part I by Thor Garcia
The Apocalypse of St. Cleo, Part II by Thor Garcia
The Apocalypse of St. Cleo, Part III by Thor Garcia
The Satyricon of Petronius Arbiter Volume 1 Translation by W. C. Firebaugh
10-01-2012
DADDY KNOWS WORST: Clown Cowers as Father Flounders! by Thor Garcia
RESURRECTON: Excerpt from Breakfast at Midnight by Louis Armand
Review of The Volcker Virus (Donald Strauss) by Kane X Faucher: Excerpt from the forthcoming Infinite Grey by Kane X Faucher
01-07-2012
Little Red Light by Suvi Mahonen and Luke Waldrip
TEXECUTION: Klown Konfab as Killer Kroaked! by Thor Garcia
Miranda's Poop by Jimmy Grist
Paul Fabulan by Kane X Faucher: Excerpt from the forthcoming Infinite Grey by Kane X Faucher
01-04-2012
Operation Scumbag by Thor Garcia
Take-Out Dick by Holly Day
Patience by Ward Webb
The Moon Hides Behind a Cloud by Barrie Darke
The Golden Limo of Slipback City by Ken Valenti
01-01-2012
Chapter from The Infinite Atrocity by Kane X. Faucher
Support the Troops By Giving Them Posthumous Boners by Tom Bradley
01-10-2011
When Good Pistols Do Bad Things by Kurt Mueller
Corporate Strategies by Bruce Douglas Reeves
The Dead Sea by Kim Farleigh
The Perfect Knot by Ernest Alanki
Girlish by Bob Bartholomew
01-07-2011
The Little Ganges by Joshua Willey
The Invisible World: René Magritte by Nick Bertelson
Honk for Jesus by Mitchell Waldman
01-04-2011
Red's Dead by Eli Richardson
The Memphis Showdown by Gabriel Ricard
Someday Man by John Grochalski
01-01-2011
I Was a Teenage Rent-a-Frankenstein by Tom Bradley
Only Love Can Break Your Heart by Fred Bubbers
10-01-2010
Believe in These Men by Adam Greenfield
The Magnus Effect by Robert Edward Sullivan
Performance Piece by Jim Chaffee
07-01-2010
Injustice for All by D. E. Fredd
The Polysyllogistic Curse by Gary J. Shipley
How It's Done by Anjoli Roy
Ghost Dance by Connor Caddigan
Two in a Van by Pavlo Kravchenko
04-01-2010
Uncreated Creatures by Connor Caddigan
Invisible by Anjoli Roy
One of Us by Sonia Ramos Rossi
Storyteller by Alan McCormick
01-01-2010
Idolatry by Robert Smith
P H I L E M A T O P H I L I A by Traci Chee
They Do! by Al Po
Full TEX Archive
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Take-Out Dick

By Holly Day

Layla didn't know she'd brought the dick home until the next evening. The woman at the restaurant had been so nice to offer to pack her leftovers for her that Layla hadn't even thought of opening the little white boxes to check on the condition of the food inside. All she knew is that she had left the restaurant in a happy haze, happy at having had such a wonderful meal, happy that the waitress had packed her an extra box of white rice to accompany her leftovers, happy to know she wouldn't have to cook anything for dinner the next day.

She wasn't nearly so happy when, after a hard day at work, she'd come home to find the dick tucked away in the box that was supposed to hold her crispy duck. It had been so artfully packed in the box that she stood there for almost a whole ten seconds, staring at the folded-up limp penis nestled inside the Chinese takeout box, pubic hairs curled artfully against the surprisingly clean shaft and balls, whatever blood that hadn't been drained before packing neatly absorbed by the extra pat of white rice lining the bottom of the box.

Of course, after she realized what the thing was, she dropped the box and screamed. She immediately regretted having dropped the box, because, of course, now the dick was half-in-half-out of the takeout container, and looked even worse than it had nestled in its protective container. She decide not to try to pick the box back up for fear of touching the thing, or worse, having it fall completely out of the box, and decided to call her best friend, Megan, for advice instead.

"That's so much worse than a finger," said Megan when Layla told her the story over the phone.

"So much worse," agreed Layla.

"So whose dick do you think it is? Was?" amended Megan.

"I don't know," said Layla. "One of the cooks, maybe?"

"Yuck. I hope he got to go home after that. Urg, do you think he cut it off himself while he was cooking? Like, maybe he was pissed off at you because he was making your dinner when it happened, so he put his dick in your leftovers as sort of a ‘look what you made me do' statement?"

Layla snorted. "That seems really unlikely," she said. "You think we would have heard it when it happened, you know, some scream from the kitchen or something. It would take an awful lot of control to be quiet after cutting your own dick off."

"That's probably true," said Megan. "I know the only time my brother ever swore in the house was when he got his dick caught in his zipper." She added, "Of course, you were eating in a Chinese restaurant. The guy could have had some sort of zen presence of mind when it happened, enough so to keep from screaming, or feeling pain, or whatever."

"No, it was probably the waitress," said Layla. "I think she was so nice about packing up my leftovers because she had this dismembered penis to get rid of, and didn't want anyone else to find it. I made the perfect patsy," she finished, sighing.

"Well, I think you ought to call the police about it," said Megan. "Call the police, then call the restaurant to complain. That guy who found a finger in his Coke got thousands of dollars from Coca-Cola—you should at least get a complimentary dinner for finding a whole penis in your food."

"I don't think I'll ever eat there again." Layla groaned, remembering the wonderful roast duck that she had been expecting to eat for dinner, the roast duck that didn't get packed into either of the tiny white origami containers. "Never, never, never."

geoduck

© Holly Day 2012