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American Dream Serialization (Early Chapters)
Introduction to Jim Chaffee's Studies in Mathematical Pornography by Maurice Stoker
Introduction to Jim Chaffee's Studies in Mathematical Pornography by Tom Bradley
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: American Dream Title Page by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 1 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 2 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 3 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 4 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 5 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 6 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 7 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 8 by Jim Chaffee
Studies in Mathematical Pornography: Chapter 9 by Jim Chaffee
01-01-2015
Modern Tragedy, or Parodies of Ourselves by Robert Castle
01-11-2014
Totally Enchanté, Dahling by Thor Garcia
01-04-2014
Hastini by Rudy Ravindra
The Satyricon of Petronius Arbiter Volume 5 Translation by W. C. Firebaugh
01-01-2014
Unexpected Pastures by Kim Farleigh
10-01-2013
Nonviolence by Jim Courter
The Satyricon of Petronius Arbiter Volume 4 Translation by W. C. Firebaugh
07-01-2013
The Poet Laureate of Greenville by Al Po
The Apocalypse of St. Cleo, Part VI by Thor Garcia
The Satyricon of Petronius Arbiter Volume 3 Translation by W. C. Firebaugh
04-01-2013
The Apocalypse of St. Cleo, Part V by Thor Garcia
The Apocalypse of St. Cleo, Part IV by Thor Garcia
The Satyricon of Petronius Arbiter Volume 2 Translation by W. C. Firebaugh
01-01-2013
The Apocalypse of St. Cleo, Part I by Thor Garcia
The Apocalypse of St. Cleo, Part II by Thor Garcia
The Apocalypse of St. Cleo, Part III by Thor Garcia
The Satyricon of Petronius Arbiter Volume 1 Translation by W. C. Firebaugh
10-01-2012
DADDY KNOWS WORST: Clown Cowers as Father Flounders! by Thor Garcia
RESURRECTON: Excerpt from Breakfast at Midnight by Louis Armand
Review of The Volcker Virus (Donald Strauss) by Kane X Faucher: Excerpt from the forthcoming Infinite Grey by Kane X Faucher
01-07-2012
Little Red Light by Suvi Mahonen and Luke Waldrip
TEXECUTION: Klown Konfab as Killer Kroaked! by Thor Garcia
Miranda's Poop by Jimmy Grist
Paul Fabulan by Kane X Faucher: Excerpt from the forthcoming Infinite Grey by Kane X Faucher
01-04-2012
Operation Scumbag by Thor Garcia
Take-Out Dick by Holly Day
Patience by Ward Webb
The Moon Hides Behind a Cloud by Barrie Darke
The Golden Limo of Slipback City by Ken Valenti
01-01-2012
Chapter from The Infinite Atrocity by Kane X. Faucher
Support the Troops By Giving Them Posthumous Boners by Tom Bradley
01-10-2011
When Good Pistols Do Bad Things by Kurt Mueller
Corporate Strategies by Bruce Douglas Reeves
The Dead Sea by Kim Farleigh
The Perfect Knot by Ernest Alanki
Girlish by Bob Bartholomew
01-07-2011
The Little Ganges by Joshua Willey
The Invisible World: René Magritte by Nick Bertelson
Honk for Jesus by Mitchell Waldman
01-04-2011
Red's Dead by Eli Richardson
The Memphis Showdown by Gabriel Ricard
Someday Man by John Grochalski
01-01-2011
I Was a Teenage Rent-a-Frankenstein by Tom Bradley
Only Love Can Break Your Heart by Fred Bubbers
10-01-2010
Believe in These Men by Adam Greenfield
The Magnus Effect by Robert Edward Sullivan
Performance Piece by Jim Chaffee
07-01-2010
Injustice for All by D. E. Fredd
The Polysyllogistic Curse by Gary J. Shipley
How It's Done by Anjoli Roy
Ghost Dance by Connor Caddigan
Two in a Van by Pavlo Kravchenko
04-01-2010
Uncreated Creatures by Connor Caddigan
Invisible by Anjoli Roy
One of Us by Sonia Ramos Rossi
Storyteller by Alan McCormick
01-01-2010
Idolatry by Robert Smith
P H I L E M A T O P H I L I A by Traci Chee
They Do! by Al Po
Full TEX Archive
Side Photo for The Big Stupid Review

Injustice for All

By D. E. Fredd

gringos lined up at McDonalds, Japan

Judge Judy called me an asshole. Of course, it didn’t come out that way when they aired the episode. Bo Felton taped the show, and it has her using “idiot,” but you can see her lips saying “asshole.” The producers did some fancy editing. Even the rent-a-cop, what’s his face, Bird or Bert, who keeps order, looked surprised when she yelled that at me.

She also nailed me for crossing my arms, wearing a Maine Sea Dogs tee shirt and flip flops. I had to switch shoes with some guy and borrow a real shirt for the show. “Didn’t you realize you were coming to court in front of eight million people?”

Shelly Baumgartner, my ex-girlfriend, was suing me for the 42-inch TV set. I quit paying on it when she kicked my ass out. We went to Best Buy before the Super Bowl last year. I couldn’t get credit so she put it on her charge. The deal was that I’d help with the payments. That was in January. I forked over two hundred cash money to her every month until July when she caught me fooling around with Diane Robliski in the Big Lots parking lot. I paid six whole months, but I never got receipts. Shelly flat out lied, said I never paid anything and wanted the whole two thousand plus late charges.

Hey, why should I pay for a set I can’t watch. And who gets receipts when you give money and groceries to the person your sleeping with.

“You don’t have a bank account, Mr. Fraley?”

“No, your honor, I work at Temp-U-Serve. I show up at six in the morning and they give me a job for the day. When the van gets back to the office in the late afternoon, I get a check which they cash right then and there for a five buck fee. I usually buy take-out chicken, a six-pack and put away $30.00 for the old lady I rent a room from. I live over on Clausen Avenue. She won’t let me have a hot plate so I have to eat out all the time.”

Judy just rolled her eyes. She doesn’t know there’s a world out there with people like me in it. Last year I broke my hand in two places when a chainsaw kicked back on me. I skipped out on the emergency room bill, sad to say, but, since I couldn’t work for six weeks, I wanted to make sure I had a roof over my head. Forget about eating, drinking and smokes, which, incidentally, I gave up except for bumming one once in a while. I pay everything in cash. I once asked a guy I bought a transmission from for a receipt, and it was like I’d called him a fag. Where I’m from you trust people, give them the opportunity not to screw you. If they do, well, you take care of it on a deeply personal level, if you catch my meaning. Screw me once and you or your car gets seriously messed up.

Shelly is a bitch. She knows I paid six months on that set. I watched football on it for one god damn day. The rest of the time she had the use of it. Her brats took the thing over when they got home from school, playing their Nintendo WII games and mainlining Scooby Doo. I usually got to her house by seven, had a quick bite and then she wanted to watch her jewelry channel or home decorating shows. During commercials she let me flip to see how the Celtics or Bruins were doing, but I got a sharp elbow if I stayed with the sports action too long. I don’t think I ever watched an entire game. What she wants is for me to fork over a couple grand. She’ll pay off what little is left on the set and spend the surplus on the home shopping channel. But I out foxed her. Judge Judy was surprised when I said, okay, I’d pay her the two thousand, but I should get the set. Shelly quickly lied, told Judy it was a gift, and how I promised to pay for the whole thing as a birthday surprise. She showed Judge Judy her credit card bills. What she did with the money I gave her when we were together I have know idea. There were some payments made but how could Shelly pay? I was the only one working.

I’d have won the case if I’d dressed up a bit. Judy took a first look at me and figured I was a loser. But, hey, this is what I own. Diane swiped me a new pair of jeans from Target. All I ever wear are tee shirts either long or short sleeve depending if it’s winter or summer. I didn’t know about the show having a rule about wearing shirts with a collar. What’s the big deal with a collar anyway? And I only shave every third or fourth day anyway. That’s my style. I saw the amount of makeup and hair care Judy had between each segment. It’s like she has six slaves waiting on her all the time. Who couldn’t look good that way?

So I’m an asshole, idiot and moron who can’t keep from crossing his arms. What was I supposed to do with my hands? And every once in a while I forgot to say “yes, your honor” instead of “yeah.” Shelly got two thousand bucks plus the chance to say what a deadbeat and druggie I was and offer up the opinion about never trusting what men promise. After the case they shoved a microphone in my face and asked for a comment. I told the world that I wished Shelly well and had no hard feelings. The producer told me that the court’s judgment was a lien against me in perpetuity and would be a black mark against my credit rating until I settled it. Like I care about that. I live day to day. I’m off the grid. The economy doesn’t mean a thing to people like me. Shelly can have the 42-inch plasma. But who knows what might happen, in perpetuity, to it or her one of these dark nights.

© D. E. Fredd 2010

Photo Sonia Ramos Rossi © Sonia Ramos Rossi 2009