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09-01-2012
The Gospel of Wealth: Towards a New Generation of American Consumership By Jim Chaffee
08-01-2011
Rick Perry leads Baal worshippers in prayer meeting By Pig Bodine M.Sc., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
02-01-2011
A Film Too Far: The Battle of the Strait of Hormuz By Jim Chaffee
08-01-2010
Maurice Stoker quasireviews The Vicious Circulation of Dr. Catastrophe: A Polemical Ensemble by Kane X. Faucher By Maurice Stoker
06-01-2010
Boozer Allan Hamilton Justifies the Tea Party By Boozer Allan Hamilton
04-15-2010
Keith Olbermann Freaks Out Pig Bodine By Pig Bodine
06-15-2009
Saving California: Secession and the Reagan Scheme By Pig Bodine
05-15-2009
Maurice Stoker on Tom Bradley's Even the Dog Won't Touch Me By Maurice Stoker
12-15-2008
Two Glad Tidings from The Marshall By Marshall Smith
11-01-2008
Sarah Palin's Party of God By Maurice Stoker
09-15-2008
Double-Ended Dildos Manufactured at Cosmodrome By Kane X. Faucher
07-15-2008
At the Airport By Tom Bradley
05-01-2008
Building the Perfect Weapon By Thomas Sullivan
04-01-2008
CNBC Wins Pequod Institute Award for Excellence in High School Journalism By Pig Bodine, M.Sc., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
03-01-2008
Pig Bodine's Funky Financial Cooze Network Topological Finance for Aging Bald Dudes By Pig Bodine, M.Sc., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
12-01-2007
Un Mensaje Navideño del Director General Por Sandra Ramos Rossi
Christmas Parades are a Deadly Derangement of Culture and other Seasonal Asides by Kane X. Faucher
11-01-2007
Euphotan, Protoplasmic Flash, and their Properties by Nail, with commentary by Chevy the Scientist
10-01-2007
Suggested reading, Universitatis Merdalina Literature 734.5, Advanced Topics in Mathematical Literature: Pseudo-British/American/Pidgin English Literature, Tensor Products of Novels and Poetry for Quasi-Conformal Plagiarism in Modern Genre and its Relationship to Sexual Identity and Morphisms by Maurice Stoker
08-01-2007
The Unexamined Life in Hell: Peregrinations Across The Diagnosis by Alan Lightman by Maurice Stoker
06-01-2007
Presidential Politics in the Year of the Toad by Boozer Allan Hamilton Ph.D.
04-01-2007
An Eleventh Tonkin Scenario by Donald Dickerson
03-01-2007
The Second Annual Howard Littlefield Boosterism Award for Economic Forecasting Awarded to Boozer Allan Hamilton by Pig Bodine, M.Sc., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
12-01-2006
Maurice Stoker On Writing a Prize Winning Best Seller by Maurice Stoker
11-01-2006
¿Study says lack of talent? by Pig Bodine M.S., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
08-01-2006
US Cracks International Terrorist Ring by Maurice Stoker
06-01-2006
Pig Bodine Solves the US Immigration and Education Dilemmas in One Blow by Pig Bodine M.S., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
05-01-2006
Maurice Stoker Anent Two Errors in Thomas Pynchon’s Mason and Dixon by Maurice Stoker
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Maurice Stoker on Tom Bradley's Even the Dog Won't Touch Me

"In France they call them artistes. Here we call them cocksuckers." — Unnamed Administration Official

hole in the wall

I'm leading a tour of fellow literary professionals. Writers, editors, publishers, and agents. Lots of agents. A tour for a clutch of charities. A service tour of the glory holes of Europe. Western Europe. We do the US and Canada later in the year.

It seems that with Cheney and Bush Jr. having memoirs surreptitiously penned and to be published in the near future, they are both going to be with us on the US leg. I can't wait to see the Secret Service agents on their knees beside the former President and his Vice chowing down on anonymous wiener dogs protruding from holes in stark bathroom walls. Although I have been informed that SS will require all anonymous participants submit to short arm inspection and penile toivel, probably laving away the tasty smegma from around those few remaining lovely foreskins. At any rate I look forward to Cheney coaxing the creamy surprise fillings from those luscious elongate eel-like fleshy wall-breaching pastries. I understand he has taken lessons from fellow north westerner and former “conservative” politico Larry Craig, who is supposedly no stranger to working men's rooms.

At any rate, my European tour leading the notable literary luminaries of Europe was interrupted in Sintra with an urgent request to review a book of short, uh, fiction. Fiction, supposedly. Of course, I will have a word or two to say in that regard in due course.

The book is Even the Dog Won't Touch Me by one Tom Bradley. Bradley is among those handful of dickwads who believe it is their right to write and have published books that are not tailored to a specific audience within the God-given parameters of genre. This conceit is rampant now with the plethora of small presses, given the digital age. What a hideous cultural aberration that is. Where once we controlled the printed word, now anyone, not just those we choose, can spew shit.

The problem is when people like Bradley spew shit outside the accepted norms of fictional genre. Fortunately the fix is in. I have devoted much effort to a team developing software for producing novels and short stories. And more recently essays. Parameter driven and user friendly, it can generate oeuvres in a mixture of styles across the entire spectrum of genres in seconds. And one can specify down to the sub-sub-genre, mixing styles by pop writers as diverse as Nabokov, Palahniuk, Atwood, Robbins, Smiley and Chandler. No need for those damnable writers.

In fact, a significant portion of the fiction (and “non-fiction”) now on the best seller lists and literary prize-winner lists of all nations is the automatic product of our software. No more need for the book packaging committee to fuck with words, designing the write-by-number guides. We need now only package the artiste. Cover art and book design are handled along with authorship by the software, given the target audience.

Bradley had his chance to join the list of successful writers. Instead he opted to be a bozo writing what he chose. What an ass. Worse, WTF was he thinking when he publicly disclosed the workings behind the veil? His stories The Stylist, At the Airport, At the Creative Writing Workshop and Closet Fiction spill the beans on the truth behind the publishing industry. But so what? No one will read any of this.

And for your information, Mr. Bradley, that fingernail was NOT ormolu-enameled. That is real gold, dude. I sincerely hope you have since trimmed your nose hairs; they no longer harbor pecuniary value, sir.

Now I simply must get to my party assembling even now at one of Portugal's, no Europe's, finest restaurantes specializing in goat. To enjoy with fine old Colares highly concentrated of Ramirez from deep sand.

Maurice Stoker

Tom Bradley, Even the Dog Won't Touch Me
Publisher: Ahadada Books
ISBN: 9780981170411

Click Here to Order

© The Drill Press 2009

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