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09-01-2012
The Gospel of Wealth: Towards a New Generation of American Consumership By Jim Chaffee
08-01-2011
Rick Perry leads Baal worshippers in prayer meeting By Pig Bodine M.Sc., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
02-01-2011
A Film Too Far: The Battle of the Strait of Hormuz By Jim Chaffee
08-01-2010
Maurice Stoker quasireviews The Vicious Circulation of Dr. Catastrophe: A Polemical Ensemble by Kane X. Faucher By Maurice Stoker
06-01-2010
Boozer Allan Hamilton Justifies the Tea Party By Boozer Allan Hamilton
04-15-2010
Keith Olbermann Freaks Out Pig Bodine By Pig Bodine
06-15-2009
Saving California: Secession and the Reagan Scheme By Pig Bodine
05-15-2009
Maurice Stoker on Tom Bradley's Even the Dog Won't Touch Me By Maurice Stoker
12-15-2008
Two Glad Tidings from The Marshall By Marshall Smith
11-01-2008
Sarah Palin's Party of God By Maurice Stoker
09-15-2008
Double-Ended Dildos Manufactured at Cosmodrome By Kane X. Faucher
07-15-2008
At the Airport By Tom Bradley
05-01-2008
Building the Perfect Weapon By Thomas Sullivan
04-01-2008
CNBC Wins Pequod Institute Award for Excellence in High School Journalism By Pig Bodine, M.Sc., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
03-01-2008
Pig Bodine's Funky Financial Cooze Network Topological Finance for Aging Bald Dudes By Pig Bodine, M.Sc., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
12-01-2007
Un Mensaje Navideño del Director General Por Sandra Ramos Rossi
Christmas Parades are a Deadly Derangement of Culture and other Seasonal Asides by Kane X. Faucher
11-01-2007
Euphotan, Protoplasmic Flash, and their Properties by Nail, with commentary by Chevy the Scientist
10-01-2007
Suggested reading, Universitatis Merdalina Literature 734.5, Advanced Topics in Mathematical Literature: Pseudo-British/American/Pidgin English Literature, Tensor Products of Novels and Poetry for Quasi-Conformal Plagiarism in Modern Genre and its Relationship to Sexual Identity and Morphisms by Maurice Stoker
08-01-2007
The Unexamined Life in Hell: Peregrinations Across The Diagnosis by Alan Lightman by Maurice Stoker
06-01-2007
Presidential Politics in the Year of the Toad by Boozer Allan Hamilton Ph.D.
04-01-2007
An Eleventh Tonkin Scenario by Donald Dickerson
03-01-2007
The Second Annual Howard Littlefield Boosterism Award for Economic Forecasting Awarded to Boozer Allan Hamilton by Pig Bodine, M.Sc., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
12-01-2006
Maurice Stoker On Writing a Prize Winning Best Seller by Maurice Stoker
11-01-2006
¿Study says lack of talent? by Pig Bodine M.S., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
08-01-2006
US Cracks International Terrorist Ring by Maurice Stoker
06-01-2006
Pig Bodine Solves the US Immigration and Education Dilemmas in One Blow by Pig Bodine M.S., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
05-01-2006
Maurice Stoker Anent Two Errors in Thomas Pynchon’s Mason and Dixon by Maurice Stoker
Full PAM Archive
Side Photo for Journal of Precognitive Memories

Double-Ended Dildos Manufactured at Cosmodrome

RUSSIA—Vladimir Putin announced today that the Russian Defense Department has recently unveiled their new line of kink-line weapons for the strategic defense of its frontier against US kink-line encroachment in Eastern Europe.

Speaking from the Kremlin, Putin addressed a cadre of puzzled reporters by stating, "Our American partners have unilaterally decided to put our sex toy industry at considerable risk by violating the Anti-Banality Boudoir Treaty. It is to this end that we have placed a great deal of R&D in our newest response to the increasing Sex Toy Race. We are merely trying to defend our nation from foreign kink attacks."

The Russian double-ended meat dildo, launched from the Cosmodrome yesterday, boasts complete edibility, and has a range of about 22 inches, a senior military chief has said.

"We have succeeded in perfecting our 'hot beef' version, and are working on pork, chicken, and mutton varieties," said Gen. Piotr Ilvyanovich.

The boost to the meat industry in Russia has hastened a market rush to supply the Russian Defense Department with top-grade meat for the manufacture of even more powerful kinky sex toy weapons.

Meanwhile, in Washington, the White House Press Secretary has denounced Russia's recent development as "ratcheting up the rhetoric of the sex-toy race...a retrograde move that recalls the saddening scenario of the Cold War." During the Soviet era, the Russians had developed a nuclear strap-on capable of stimulating up to 5500 people during the lifespan of its use. The US had responded with their own furred version with the Pentagon's top secret "Orgasm-Inducing Lube" that secretes from the follicles.

"We have seen the Russians flagrantly defy international treaties," said Condoleezza Rice in Israel (Ms. Rice has one of the most impressive dildo collections worldwide). "By introducing such lethally orgasmic elements such as studs and ribs, to violating the moratorium on pink-banded and flavoured dildos, I am chagrined to say the least."

Russia caused international furor last year when it introduced its new line of camouflaged portable "super-dildos" capable of evading detection by radar or satellite.

Asked how the double-ended meat dildo can stay firm enough to be of any strategic use, Gen. Sergei Andrekov responded, "It is similar to the drying process for beef jerky."

In response, the US plans to install more sex toy factories in Romania, Poland and the Czech Republic in what it calls a "necessary deterrent to pressure President Putin from pursuing his encroachment of the market, and to halt the proliferation of said sex toys."

Both the US and Russia had signed a treaty in 1994 agreeing to reduce their sex toy stockpile by about 40% by the year 2010. So far, the dis-toy-ament has failed to achieve its objective. There are said to be over 17 000 dangerously erotic sex toys in operative status in both nations.

Kane X. Faucher

sucrine du berry resting on gravel bed

© Kane X. Faucher 2008

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