Double-Ended Dildos Manufactured at Cosmodrome

RUSSIA—Vladimir Putin announced today that the Russian Defense Department has recently unveiled their new line of kink-line weapons for the strategic defense of its frontier against US kink-line encroachment in Eastern Europe.

Speaking from the Kremlin, Putin addressed a cadre of puzzled reporters by stating, "Our American partners have unilaterally decided to put our sex toy industry at considerable risk by violating the Anti-Banality Boudoir Treaty. It is to this end that we have placed a great deal of R&D in our newest response to the increasing Sex Toy Race. We are merely trying to defend our nation from foreign kink attacks."

The Russian double-ended meat dildo, launched from the Cosmodrome yesterday, boasts complete edibility, and has a range of about 22 inches, a senior military chief has said.

"We have succeeded in perfecting our 'hot beef' version, and are working on pork, chicken, and mutton varieties," said Gen. Piotr Ilvyanovich.

The boost to the meat industry in Russia has hastened a market rush to supply the Russian Defense Department with top-grade meat for the manufacture of even more powerful kinky sex toy weapons.

Meanwhile, in Washington, the White House Press Secretary has denounced Russia's recent development as "ratcheting up the rhetoric of the sex-toy race...a retrograde move that recalls the saddening scenario of the Cold War." During the Soviet era, the Russians had developed a nuclear strap-on capable of stimulating up to 5500 people during the lifespan of its use. The US had responded with their own furred version with the Pentagon's top secret "Orgasm-Inducing Lube" that secretes from the follicles.

"We have seen the Russians flagrantly defy international treaties," said Condoleezza Rice in Israel (Ms. Rice has one of the most impressive dildo collections worldwide). "By introducing such lethally orgasmic elements such as studs and ribs, to violating the moratorium on pink-banded and flavoured dildos, I am chagrined to say the least."

Russia caused international furor last year when it introduced its new line of camouflaged portable "super-dildos" capable of evading detection by radar or satellite.

Asked how the double-ended meat dildo can stay firm enough to be of any strategic use, Gen. Sergei Andrekov responded, "It is similar to the drying process for beef jerky."

In response, the US plans to install more sex toy factories in Romania, Poland and the Czech Republic in what it calls a "necessary deterrent to pressure President Putin from pursuing his encroachment of the market, and to halt the proliferation of said sex toys."

Both the US and Russia had signed a treaty in 1994 agreeing to reduce their sex toy stockpile by about 40% by the year 2010. So far, the dis-toy-ament has failed to achieve its objective. There are said to be over 17 000 dangerously erotic sex toys in operative status in both nations.

Kane X. Faucher

© Kane X. Faucher 2008

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