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- Christmas Parades are a Deadly Derangement of Culture and other Seasonal Asides by Kane X. Faucher
- Euphotan, Protoplasmic Flash, and their Properties by Nail, with commentary by Chevy the Scientist
- Suggested reading, Universitatis Merdalina Literature 734.5, Advanced Topics in Mathematical Literature: Pseudo-British/American/Pidgin English Literature, Tensor Products of Novels and Poetry for Quasi-Conformal Plagiarism in Modern Genre and its Relationship to Sexual Identity and Morphisms by Maurice Stoker
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- The Second Annual Howard Littlefield Boosterism Award for Economic Forecasting Awarded to Boozer Allan Hamilton by Pig Bodine, M.Sc., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
- Maurice Stoker On Writing a Prize Winning Best Seller by Maurice Stoker
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- US Cracks International Terrorist Ring by Maurice Stoker
- Pig Bodine Solves the US Immigration and Education Dilemmas in One Blow by Pig Bodine M.S., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
- Maurice Stoker Anent Two Errors in Thomas Pynchon’s Mason and Dixon by Maurice Stoker
- Full PAM Archive
Introduction to Euphotan, Protoplasmic Flash, and their Properties
by Nail, with commentary by Chevy the Scientist
We received this communication from Maurice Stoker somewhere out in the netherlands (not the literal country but the symbolic idea, or so he writes). We considered printing his comments as received but thought better of it since they seemed to have come as an aberrant transmission. Perhaps his abeyant humanity clobbered him, but more likely his writing came under the influence of one of the many drugs he ingests for financial reasons. (For those who don't already know, Maurice is a freelance test pilot for both legit drug companies experimenting with the next mind-warping product for domestic control of a population kept under selected hallucination (you didn't think so many US citizens could simultaneously be rational and believe in their own freedom, did you?) and for professional underground designers with custom chemicals for inducing hyper-rational delusions or wild hallucinations. Of course, mathematicians and physicists tend to consume the former, plastic artists and some modern composers the latter, though there is an overlap and it is known that carefuly controlled dosages of both types of drugs ingested at different stages along a trip can provide astounding results. It is said, for example, that Schoenberg and Berg both used combinations of these drugs made by a well known German drug manufacturer. We doubt it, but not based on their works. More a question of timing, though there is the argument that while under the influence of some combinations of these types of drugs users can visit the past in hallucinations (which can of course be real) or that people from the past are actually from the present but halluncinated into the past.
Anyway, Stoker claims he received this from a scientist who had worked with a user of grillo. The user, it is claimed, overdosed and died. Now this is clearly bogus for several reasons. First of all, as all cogent readers are aware, grillo was discovered by a former student of Schultes in use by some seldom-seen Amazon forest people who claimed it made them invisible (Isa Capybara, Fucked up on pseudo-Dasyprocta fuliginosa gut juice with some wild-ass indians, J. Nat. Prod. (Lloydia), 32: 305-314). It is not known whether it is possible to die from an overdose, since when used to excess the user simply vanishes. As in disappears. But the paper gives a different origin to the drug and also claims that people overdose and die using it. That seems unlikely.
The other reason to doubt the validity of the paper is the language usage. Clearly the author attempts to make the reader believe he (or she) is a street person of modest education with style and grammar deficiencies that are neither studied nor strictly streetish. And clearly Chevy the Scientist is no scientist. More likely a hospital orderly more attuned to bedpans than drug studies. Since scientist is capitalized, it is clearly a ceremonial title, perhaps a cargo cult sort of attachment. And of course whenever the government comes into the discussion it is via the ubiquitous and ambiguous "they." Finally note that this paper is less about the properties of these drugs than their effects through the eyes of a user.
So why was our own Maurice Stoker taken in? Drugs perhaps, but consider this: in Spanish, grillo is cricket. And if one loses a single l, it becomes cricket in Portuguese. So where is the leg if the l disappears? Consecution? Maurice hints that the author has hallucinated himself into another existence and left this or sent it, one or the other. Maurice says sent, which implies that perhaps Nail is the real scientist, not a junkie street person but in transition as of the writing, and hallucinated Chevy the hospital orderly as a scientist, or perhaps the author was a scientist before hallucinating a new existence and is now a hospital orderly. We can never know, since with these sorts of drugs history is effectively rewritten. The US has been under the influence of a grillo-like drug since at least the late 1970s, probably longer, which explains how the country can be so out of touch with reality. The whole nation hallucinates its current existence, with the problem clear to anyone outside the hallucination; namely, the hallucination is a classic bad trip.
So in the interest of disinterested science, we print the paper with the proviso that grillo means cricket and it is known that Maurice is a great fan of Trobiand Cricket (and will be a broadcast announcer for the televised 2008 world coconut finals). But he also belongs to a cargo cult associated with irrational worship of the Federal Reserve and market fluctations. So a grain of salt etc.