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09-01-2012
The Gospel of Wealth: Towards a New Generation of American Consumership By Jim Chaffee
08-01-2011
Rick Perry leads Baal worshippers in prayer meeting By Pig Bodine M.Sc., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
02-01-2011
A Film Too Far: The Battle of the Strait of Hormuz By Jim Chaffee
08-01-2010
Maurice Stoker quasireviews The Vicious Circulation of Dr. Catastrophe: A Polemical Ensemble by Kane X. Faucher By Maurice Stoker
06-01-2010
Boozer Allan Hamilton Justifies the Tea Party By Boozer Allan Hamilton
04-15-2010
Keith Olbermann Freaks Out Pig Bodine By Pig Bodine
06-15-2009
Saving California: Secession and the Reagan Scheme By Pig Bodine
05-15-2009
Maurice Stoker on Tom Bradley's Even the Dog Won't Touch Me By Maurice Stoker
12-15-2008
Two Glad Tidings from The Marshall By Marshall Smith
11-01-2008
Sarah Palin's Party of God By Maurice Stoker
09-15-2008
Double-Ended Dildos Manufactured at Cosmodrome By Kane X. Faucher
07-15-2008
At the Airport By Tom Bradley
05-01-2008
Building the Perfect Weapon By Thomas Sullivan
04-01-2008
CNBC Wins Pequod Institute Award for Excellence in High School Journalism By Pig Bodine, M.Sc., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
03-01-2008
Pig Bodine's Funky Financial Cooze Network Topological Finance for Aging Bald Dudes By Pig Bodine, M.Sc., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
12-01-2007
Un Mensaje Navideño del Director General Por Sandra Ramos Rossi
Christmas Parades are a Deadly Derangement of Culture and other Seasonal Asides by Kane X. Faucher
11-01-2007
Euphotan, Protoplasmic Flash, and their Properties by Nail, with commentary by Chevy the Scientist
10-01-2007
Suggested reading, Universitatis Merdalina Literature 734.5, Advanced Topics in Mathematical Literature: Pseudo-British/American/Pidgin English Literature, Tensor Products of Novels and Poetry for Quasi-Conformal Plagiarism in Modern Genre and its Relationship to Sexual Identity and Morphisms by Maurice Stoker
08-01-2007
The Unexamined Life in Hell: Peregrinations Across The Diagnosis by Alan Lightman by Maurice Stoker
06-01-2007
Presidential Politics in the Year of the Toad by Boozer Allan Hamilton Ph.D.
04-01-2007
An Eleventh Tonkin Scenario by Donald Dickerson
03-01-2007
The Second Annual Howard Littlefield Boosterism Award for Economic Forecasting Awarded to Boozer Allan Hamilton by Pig Bodine, M.Sc., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
12-01-2006
Maurice Stoker On Writing a Prize Winning Best Seller by Maurice Stoker
11-01-2006
¿Study says lack of talent? by Pig Bodine M.S., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
08-01-2006
US Cracks International Terrorist Ring by Maurice Stoker
06-01-2006
Pig Bodine Solves the US Immigration and Education Dilemmas in One Blow by Pig Bodine M.S., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
05-01-2006
Maurice Stoker Anent Two Errors in Thomas Pynchon’s Mason and Dixon by Maurice Stoker
Full PAM Archive
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An Eleventh Tonkin Scenario

mardi gras fat floppers: boobs for beads

An Iranian "sleeper cell" of nine fanatical male jihadists living in a small studio apartment in Cucamonga, California, under the cover of being clowns who perform at children's parties, exhume the body of Anna Nicole Smith from Forest Lawn in the dead of night, after cutting the heads off of two cemetery security guards with scimitars recently stolen from a local Shriners chapter. A videotape of the grisly beheadings is later mailed to a Los Angeles affiliate station of.NBC-TV, and a group calling itself "Terrorist Agents of the Islamic Republic of Iran in America" ( TAIRIA) claims reponsibility for the killings and the theft of Anna Nicole's corpse and warns ominously, "This is only the beginning, American infidel dogs and decadent mall rats!"

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Though numerous experts on terrorism and the Middle East and retired U.S. intelligence officers point out that no actual terrorist group sponsored by the Iranian government would ever choose such a name -- and suggest that "TAIRIA" is more likely a CIA-sponsored front group of agent provocateurs -- their dissenting voices are largely ignored by the mainstream American media.

After the purloined corpse of Anna Nicole is discovered two days later in a dumpster behind a Wendy's in North Hollywood, the L.A. County Coroner holds a press conference, announcing that his forensics lab's staff have determined that the body of the deceased Miss Smith had been subjected to repeated acts of necrophiliac sexual violation, but declines to comment on what specific bodily orifices were defiled. The news media are soon provided with several of the suspected Iranian terrorists' names and photos (some in clown makeup), as the White House announces that U.S. intelligence agencies have "unquestionable proof" that the terrorist cell's members were "directly linked" to an elite Iranian army commando brigade and, however improbably, to Al Qaeda -- and, possibly, to a chess club in Isfahan as well.

The American people are whipped into a frenzy of moral outrage and anger by the media (and by Fox News, especially), and demand a massive "Shock and Awe" retaliation against Iran to avenge the enormities committed on their beloved Anna Nicole's once lovely corpse. Commander in Chief Bush, himself apparently deeply incensed, tells the American people, "If these evil Iranian terrorists think they can get away with committin' unspeakable acts on an American idol and real big celebrity like Anna Nicole Smith, they've got another thing comin'," as he gives the order to launch a massive naval and air assault to "blast the terrorist rogue state of Iran into nothin' more than dust 'n ashes." He refuses, however, to give a conclusive reply to reporters' questions regarding the use of "tactical nuclear weapons," stating only, "Like I said before, Brit, all options are still on the table. I don't wanta be tyin' the hands of the brave men and women servin' in our armed forces. See?"

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Result: A retaliatory war in which the Iranians -- even though their country's infrastructure is severely damaged by the massive American military attack and hundreds of thousands of Iranian civilians are killed or injured -- still manage to sink or severely damage several U.S.destroyers and numerous smaller naval craft, sink an American aircraft carrier and seven oil tankers in the Persian Gulf, shoot down nearly two dozen American aircraft with Russian-made anti-aircraft missiles, and, finally, launch a massive Iranian-led assault on the Green Zone in Baghdad, in which well over a thousand American military and civilian personnel are slaughtered or captured. Hundreds of the captured Americans are transported to Iran, where they are then dispersed and placed in newly built prison camps sited directly above the few surviving underground Iranian nuclear facilities. The neocon ideologue and American ambassador to Iraq, Zalmay Khalizad, is taken hostage and flown by helicopter to Teheran in a black canvas hood and shackles, where a special new installation is built in the cty zoo to exhibit him, along with a tribe of very aggressive baboons, to the delight and satisfaction of large and furious Iranian crowds -- many of whom, led by cheerleaders with bullhorns, hurl their shoes at the cringing Khalizad in coordinated volleys. Iranian Supreme Leader Grand Ayatollah Ali Khamenei offers to ransom Khalizad to the U.S. for three billion dollars and lifetime passes to Disney World for all Iranian citizens, and later calls Bush a "cheapskate" when the President replies to the ransom offer with, "No way, Jose! We don't make no deals with terrorists, Fatso."

Donald Dickerson

© Donald Dickerson 2007

mardi gras fat floppers: boobs for beads

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