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Journal Of Precognitive Memories


The Gospel of Wealth: Towards a New Generation of American Consumership By Jim Chaffee
Rick Perry leads Baal worshippers in prayer meeting By Pig Bodine M.Sc., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
A Film Too Far: The Battle of the Strait of Hormuz By Jim Chaffee
Maurice Stoker quasireviews The Vicious Circulation of Dr. Catastrophe: A Polemical Ensemble by Kane X. Faucher By Maurice Stoker
Boozer Allan Hamilton Justifies the Tea Party By Boozer Allan Hamilton
Keith Olbermann Freaks Out Pig Bodine By Pig Bodine
Saving California: Secession and the Reagan Scheme By Pig Bodine
Maurice Stoker on Tom Bradley's Even the Dog Won't Touch Me By Maurice Stoker
Two Glad Tidings from The Marshall By Marshall Smith
Sarah Palin's Party of God By Maurice Stoker
Double-Ended Dildos Manufactured at Cosmodrome By Kane X. Faucher
At the Airport By Tom Bradley
Building the Perfect Weapon By Thomas Sullivan
CNBC Wins Pequod Institute Award for Excellence in High School Journalism By Pig Bodine, M.Sc., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
Pig Bodine's Funky Financial Cooze Network Topological Finance for Aging Bald Dudes By Pig Bodine, M.Sc., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
Un Mensaje Navideño del Director General Por Sandra Ramos Rossi
Christmas Parades are a Deadly Derangement of Culture and other Seasonal Asides by Kane X. Faucher
Euphotan, Protoplasmic Flash, and their Properties by Nail, with commentary by Chevy the Scientist
Suggested reading, Universitatis Merdalina Literature 734.5, Advanced Topics in Mathematical Literature: Pseudo-British/American/Pidgin English Literature, Tensor Products of Novels and Poetry for Quasi-Conformal Plagiarism in Modern Genre and its Relationship to Sexual Identity and Morphisms by Maurice Stoker
The Unexamined Life in Hell: Peregrinations Across The Diagnosis by Alan Lightman by Maurice Stoker
Presidential Politics in the Year of the Toad by Boozer Allan Hamilton Ph.D.
An Eleventh Tonkin Scenario by Donald Dickerson
The Second Annual Howard Littlefield Boosterism Award for Economic Forecasting Awarded to Boozer Allan Hamilton by Pig Bodine, M.Sc., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
Maurice Stoker On Writing a Prize Winning Best Seller by Maurice Stoker
¿Study says lack of talent? by Pig Bodine M.S., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
US Cracks International Terrorist Ring by Maurice Stoker
Pig Bodine Solves the US Immigration and Education Dilemmas in One Blow by Pig Bodine M.S., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
Maurice Stoker Anent Two Errors in Thomas Pynchon’s Mason and Dixon by Maurice Stoker
Full PAM Archive
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Pig Bodine Solves the US Immigration and Education Dilemmas in One Blow


The beauty of these two US problems, immigration and education, is their clear solution, a true no-brainer that kills two birds with one stone.

The immigration dilemma regards the influx of Hispanics and is spurred by racist hysteria and fear that jobs will be lost. The latter fear is a response to an underlying reality: most of the jobs held in the US by those white folks born in the US are nothing more than middle class welfare, make-work granted as part of the privilege of being a white person born in the US. The fear is that the US economy will eventually need to produce something to export besides Treasury Bills in case foreign money stops supporting the massive white middle class welfare program.

The second problem is related to the first. The fact is, US high school students graduate with the equivalent of a grade school European or Asian education, a lower middle school Latin American education. Not only are the graduates unable to do arithmetic, let along mathematics, they cannot reason, think abstractly or even read with comprehension. Most of them can recognize a nominal list of English words and understand short sentences composed of uncomplicated combinations of those words, but few of them can assemble one of these strings with semantic content using the rules of grammar, and fewer yet are able to understand this sentence. The same is true of US college graduates. It seems only thirty percent of them can read with comprehension; further breakdown of that figure indicates a significant portion of those who graduate from US colleges and who can read are foreign born.

stupid goose

The education crisis ostensibly regards mathematics. The problem seems to be that almost no one in the US can do mathematics, a discipline that politicians and journalists endlessly confuse with arithmetic. This is likely because said politicians and journalists are unable to do anything so abstract as to add fractions, let along set up and solve an algebra problem based on a written description (the dreaded "word" problem, not to confused with the word problem for groups).

The President of the US has appointed a former administrator from the University of Texas to head up a commission on the mathematics problem, Larry Faulkner. Consider what Faulkner said:

"The object is to find the best path for getting kids prepared to go into algebra and to succeed in algebra. That course is a gatekeeping course in so many ways."

Excuse me, but algebra in the sense used here, meaning to solve simple equations containing unknowns by using memorized algorithms, is the intellectual equivalent of learning to add and multiply. These may be difficult tasks for Faulkner, who at one time happened to be a chemistry professor, not a subject known for its application of abstract mathematics, but they are not mathematics. To call algebra gate-keeping is akin to saying the crux of literature is spelling. The gate-keeping courses are four semesters of calculus through solving a certain class of ordinary differential equations and extensions to higher dimensions. Mathematics begins with these, branching directly into analysis and also into algebra as the study of groups, rings, vector spaces, modules, and other fundamental structures. Algebra as Faulkner means it is arithmetic with symbols, and is essentially on the level of abstraction required of grade school.

The solution: Give a national exam on the level of Japanese or European middle school mathematics, that is through ordinary differential equations and multivariate calculus, to all US high school and college graduates and if they fail to make a minimal score or get a professional sports contract, strip them of their citizenship and deport them, bringing in an equal number of real workers to replace them. It could be people willing to pick crops or cut meat or clean motels or to work in aerospace engineering or computer engineering. Language would be a small problem since those being deported are not likely to ever master English anyway, having been given the chance of a lifetime and failed.

There are minor problems, the most obvious being the US Constitution which gives anyone born in the US citizenship, but it is certain that the Supreme Court's Strict Constructionists will find a way use the founding father's documented bigotry and love of cheap labor to get around this amendment. More difficult may be finding a country to take the useless, lazy US high school and college grads, but certainly some country can be found to accept them for a nominal fee. Perhaps Somalia. It would be worth the cost to be rid of bozos with high expectations of entitlement to a nonproductive, even counterproductive job among the class of highly paid non-contributing social parasites in some upper middle class welfare position like management, law, government, medicine, finance, or sales. This would in turn relieve the problem of needing so many foreign graduate students in mathematics to teach the remedial courses required by US high school graduates, noting that any mathematics through four semesters of calculus is remedial. Anyone graduating from high school ought to know as much mathematics, as is the case in the rest of the developed world.

Likely it would be best to begin the program with those teaching in the public schools, replacing deported teachers with people educated in academic disciplines instead of ceremonially certified by a teaching bureaucracy insuring the incompetent take to the classrooms. After all, a good deal of US remedial college course work is to undo the nonsense implanted during high school.

arrogant goose

This could also model a program to ease another educational problem, namely that US high school graduates are not only semiliterate in their native tongue, but can't speak any other languages either. Instead of forcing them to take pesky courses in French, Spanish, German or British English, why not extend the law making US English the official language of the US to the entire world? The US military could be built up to enforce US English as the official world language. All works of literature in other languages would be expunged, anyone not learning English exiled to the Moon and later to Mars, and history modified in accord with current US educational policies to no longer mention there ever were such aberrant tongues.

Of course there is the problem of enforcing the usage of US English. A model program could begin within the US with a Language Police to enforce the English only law. Special courts could be given authority to put those who make grammatical mistakes in re-education camps for a year. If after the year those interned are unable to pass the TOEFL, they would be exiled. Of course, the US would likely end up exiling President Bush, but then they would also exile most of the network news anchors and commentators as well.

Especially egregious would be the offense of omitting ly from the end of adverbs formed from adjectives. The law might also include a "cliche clause" to punish the overuse of words like impact, particularly hybrid usages which are now so popular among the quasi-literate. Random quizzes on correct usage of lay and lie, for example, or affect and effect, as well to, too and two, among other words, would be in order.

It seems reasonable to begin the work of the Language Police within Congress, as they are the ones passing the official English law, and begin deporting those who abuse the language within that august body. After Congress is cleansed of those who do not know US English, the police could move on the country at large, perhaps beginning with the suburbs of DC.

There exists another potential solution. The US wants to become a nation of managers, and since one cannot be a manager without workers to manage, control the borders and allow in ten workers for every US citizen who makes it to twenty-five years of age. Amend the constitution to give all those born in the US their ten imported workers and an MBA at age twenty-five, together with a token annual salary of $100,000, adjusted for inflation. This obviates the need for schools, since the end goal of US education, a ceremonial certificate, is already accomplished. The age restriction ensures people are kept off the job market, thus fulfilling another purpose of US schools. Nor would there be a need to create teaching jobs to employ the hopelessly incompetent. The savings to the taxpayers would be incalculable. Those weirdoes who want to learn something can go to other countries to accomplish this. For border control, build a fence containing the entire lower forty-eight states. Make it a mile wide and 200 feet tall and dot it with sensors. Raising the money for all this is not a problem. Perform the modern equivalent of printing money: have the US Treasury sell bonds to the public and then have the US Federal Reserve System buy those bonds, building up the supply of high-powered money. Trivial.

Sample exam questions are available on request, but the key is not to make the exam available to schools in advance. The exam should be made up from a syllabus through calculus texts like Lang and Apostol. Those who write the exam should not be actively employed in or otherwise have ties to the public education bureaucracy, to avoid the potential hazard of teaching to the test as is currently done in most US public schools.

Pig Bodine, M.Sc., Ph.D.,BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA

© 2006

don't tread on me

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