Archives
- 08-01-2011
- Rick Perry leads Baal worshippers in prayer meeting By Pig Bodine M.Sc., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
- 02-01-2011
- A Film Too Far: The Battle of the Strait of Hormuz By Jim Chaffee
- 08-01-2010
- Maurice Stoker quasireviews The Vicious Circulation of Dr. Catastrophe: A Polemical Ensemble by Kane X. Faucher By Maurice Stoker
- 06-01-2010
- Boozer Allan Hamilton Justifies the Tea Party By Boozer Allan Hamilton
- 04-15-2010
- Keith Olbermann Freaks Out Pig Bodine By Pig Bodine
- 06-15-2009
- Saving California: Secession and the Reagan Scheme By Pig Bodine
- 05-15-2009
- Maurice Stoker on Tom Bradley's Even the Dog Won't Touch Me By Maurice Stoker
- 12-15-2008
- Two Glad Tidings from The Marshall By Marshall Smith
- 11-01-2008
- Sarah Palin's Party of God By Maurice Stoker
- 09-15-2008
- Double-Ended Dildos Manufactured at Cosmodrome By Kane X. Faucher
- 07-15-2008
- At the Airport By Tom Bradley
- 05-01-2008
- Building the Perfect Weapon By Thomas Sullivan
- 04-01-2008
- CNBC Wins Pequod Institute Award for Excellence in High School Journalism By Pig Bodine, M.Sc., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
- 03-01-2008
- Pig Bodine's Funky Financial Cooze Network Topological Finance for Aging Bald Dudes By Pig Bodine, M.Sc., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
- 12-01-2007
- Un Mensaje Navideño del Director General Por Sandra Ramos Rossi
- Christmas Parades are a Deadly Derangement of Culture and other Seasonal Asides by Kane X. Faucher
- 11-01-2007
- Euphotan, Protoplasmic Flash, and their Properties by Nail, with commentary by Chevy the Scientist
- 10-01-2007
- Suggested reading, Universitatis Merdalina Literature 734.5, Advanced Topics in Mathematical Literature: Pseudo-British/American/Pidgin English Literature, Tensor Products of Novels and Poetry for Quasi-Conformal Plagiarism in Modern Genre and its Relationship to Sexual Identity and Morphisms by Maurice Stoker
- 08-01-2007
- The Unexamined Life in Hell: Peregrinations Across The Diagnosis by Alan Lightman by Maurice Stoker
- 06-01-2007
- Presidential Politics in the Year of the Toad by Boozer Allan Hamilton Ph.D.
- 04-01-2007
- An Eleventh Tonkin Scenario by Donald Dickerson
- 03-01-2007
- The Second Annual Howard Littlefield Boosterism Award for Economic Forecasting Awarded to Boozer Allan Hamilton by Pig Bodine, M.Sc., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
- 12-01-2006
- Maurice Stoker On Writing a Prize Winning Best Seller by Maurice Stoker
- 11-01-2006
- ¿Study says lack of talent? by Pig Bodine M.S., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
- 08-01-2006
- US Cracks International Terrorist Ring by Maurice Stoker
- 06-01-2006
- Pig Bodine Solves the US Immigration and Education Dilemmas in One Blow by Pig Bodine M.S., Ph.D., BM2, BEM, MAD, MDMA
- 05-01-2006
- Maurice Stoker Anent Two Errors in Thomas Pynchon’s Mason and Dixon by Maurice Stoker
- Full PAM Archive

I, Claudia
Now, whenever I’m on my knees (and it’s often), I make believe I’m Claudia. She -- not Madonna or Brittany – is my new heroine and latest role model. Claudia’s fame is not due to mere beauty or luck, but is based on merit and perseverance. So, if I practice a lot and work hard, just as I’m doing now kneeling before a brand new cock working on my basic bob and slide, I can become just like her. Why not? The world, at least the Western world, is full of infinite possibilities, and there’s equal opportunity for all women, even me.
Claudia, according to a dispatch from a Romanian newspaper widely reported on the web, is the winner of the first Oral Sex World Championships. Competitors from all over the globe attended the event at a Black Sea spa. An all-male jury awarded Claudia the $1,000 first-place crown. Their decision was based on “speed” and “artistic merit” in two rounds titled “technical” and “freestyle.”

At first when I read this, I chuckled, as most readers did, I’m sure. But for some reason, ever since, I haven’t been able to get it out of my pretty, cum-sucking head – a head no longer chuckling, but giggling and giddy. Like Claudia, I want to be internationally recognized for my abilities (all the guys tell me I’m able). I’m jealous. But, more, I find the whole idea of a world championship for cock sucking, incredibly, gloriously erotic.
The purity of it all excites me: cock sucking for the sake of cock sucking, in and of itself, having absolutely nothing to do with love or any other emotion that might get in the way of technique and performance. Yet think of the communicative bond among the cock-sucking performer, the anonymous owner of the succulent cock, and the observing audience. It must be one of those once-in-a-lifetime, life-altering experiences when minds, not just bodies, truly connect. The idea alone is enough. I can’t think of a better expression of eroticism. It makes my mouth water just thinking about it.
Yes, I really do want to be Claudia! The epiphany pops into my head at the exact moment when I’m licking the underside shaft of my latest prize. Or if not Claudia, at least second-place finisher, shedding genuine tears of happiness for the winning girl. Instead of a crown, I could then wear a tight tee-shirt, with my hard nipples poking the fabric, flaunting the fact: “Miss Fellatio World. First Runner-up.” The mind boggles with all the fresh meat I would attract.
But my lover has no idea what’s going through my head as I’m giving him head. That’s part of the fun; I remain a mystery to him. He, on the other hand, is totally exposed, vulnerable to my every tongue-flickering whim. And I know exactly what he’s thinking; he tells me so. Even taciturn men feel compelled to talk to me when my mouth is full. While I’m sucking like a vacuum cleaner, they are spitting out appreciative, flattering words:
“Look up at me while you’re sucking, bitch. I want to see your gorgeous, fluttering lashes and grateful, smiling eyes while your sexy lips are around my cock.”
Or they ask questions: “You like to suck cock, don’t you? You’re just a cock-sucking cunt, aren’t you? Tell me, cunt, isn’t this the best cock you’ve ever tasted? You can’t get enough of my fat, juicy cock, can you? You don’t want to ever stop sucking, do you, bitch?”

Of course, I can only answer with my head -- a vigorous nod or a swaying shake. Those well-executed head motions just add to the cock owner’s pleasure. And it is his pleasure, after all, that brings me mine.
Actually, what I now want him to tell me is how I’m doing – a critical review. Vague praise is meaningless: “This is the best blow job ever…. Slut, you suck so fine….” I’ve heard it all before. What I crave – besides cock, of course – is brutal honesty. And the more detailed the critique, the better.
Unfortunately, most suckees are hopeless in this regard. All they care about is “shooting me a pearl necklace” or whether or not I’ll “swallow.” They’re so ecstatic just to get a blow job, they don’t really notice, much less appreciate, my truly expert level of keenly honed presentation:
The pronounced, feminine arc of my back and butt while kneeing (evolutionary biologists call this “the fertility curve”). The dexterous way my hand moves at the base of the shaft, so it’s synchronized with all my various mouth actions at the most sensitive tip. Even the eloquent (dainty yet firm) grip of my hand -- ensuring that my finely French-manicured nails are showing. The vigorous, quick tempo of my acrobatic tongue, lip, and neck movements, as calorie-burning as my aerobics class -- without my face’s working up even one tiny bead of perspiration, much less ruining my makeup (except my lipstick, of course).
It’s just like ballet. Unless one has actually executed a perfect pirouette on point oneself while dressed in tights and tutu, even the most avid dancegoer hasn’t the foggiest notion of how hard it is to make it look so easy.
What would Claudia do? She probably has her very own professional coach. I decide to broach my need for Olympic training to the owner of one of my all-time favorite, most suckable cocks. He always brags about how many “wenches” have given him head, so I can learn from his critical comparisons and contrasts. But he quickly counter-proposes with what he calls “a better idea.” He’ll set up a School for Sluts. I’ll teach Cock Sucking 101, for which his cock will be my students’ teaching aid. Clearly, he has his own fantasy.
Like most heterosexual men, he just doesn’t understand. Mine is not fantasy; it is a clearly defined mission, with a measurable, achievable goal: to be Claudia, to reach beyond my grasp of the cock I now have in my mouth, to attain the world acclaim that I know can be deservedly mine. Like a bridegroom at a wedding, I realize, the men I suck must remain really no more than props. So I’ll use them as such.
I make a vow, as if I’m on a diet, to ingest several different cocks daily. Variety is important, for you can never tell what shapes and sizes the judges will poke at you. I set up a video camera in my bedroom, to tape each encounter. My trial subjects don’t mind; I make a copy for them; my mouth is the gift that keeps on giving, as they now have a free porno film to watch whenever they’re horny and lonely.
Style, agility, poise. Those are the qualities that my immortalized (on video) cock-sucking images help me develop. I no longer have to replay my head action in my head. I must confess, watching my mouthful-of-cock self on the VCR is quite a turn-on. But I force my brain to maintain laser-like focus on my quest -- perfecting my performance.

Which raises a fundamental question: are the contest judges what the New Journalism termed “participant-observers,” or do they simply sit back and witness? It makes a great deal of difference in how I orchestrate my cock sucking. What’s visually pleasing is not necessarily the most instantly pleasurable sensation for the suckee. So I seek some splendid compromise, trying to score the highest points in both categories – visual and tactile.
If there is one single thing to constantly remember -- so that it becomes an involuntary reflex like gagging -- it is the importance of smiling while sucking. First, you must smile for the camera, judges, and audience, as every girl is taught from an early age to make herself pretty and pleasing to others. Second, of course, you’re smiling for the suckee, so that he knows you know you’re extremely lucky to be blessed with his unique cock in your mouth. Plus, from a purely physiological point of view, it’s pleasant and surprising how the facial muscles used in smiling bring added pleasure to the cock. Finally, to be able to maintain that happy expression while an eight-inch cock is thrust deep down your oral cavity relaxes the throat and mitigates the gagging.
I can see Claudia smiling now, as I breathe deeply through my nose, relax my throat, and swallow an enormous brand-new cock. Visualization: that’s key in any athletic training.
I’ll wipe the smile off Claudia’s face when she sees my second-cum routine. That’s my specialty. Just about anyone with a mouth can make a cock come. But only an expert mouth like mine can create, just minutes later, a second cum shot from the very same, formerly flaccid, cock.
And don’t discount the importance of costume. Normally, I prefer a snug, sexy macro-mini, exposing my panties when I kneel, together with an extremely low-cut top, so that he can shoot it down my cleavage if he wants. That’s what I’ll wear for the contest, I assume. Or maybe the competition will feature both swimsuits and evening gowns, in which case I’ll pack, respectively, my multicolored string bikini (whose top I’ll shed when I perform) and my creamy Versace knockoff. The eroticism of the latter I find particularly appealing, mixing high fashion with the lowest hard-core.
For the freestyle event, if the judges allow a costume change, my plan is to don an all-black catsuit, together with a mask like S-and-M people use. The mask will have a huge hole for my mouth, plus tiny, imperceptible slits for my nostrils, so I can breathe when my mouth is full. I don’t even need holes for my eyes; I can see with my mouth. The point here is to present myself simply as a femininely curved, well-toned body with nothing but a cum-hole for a mouth.
I bet Claudia hasn’t even thought of that: to present oneself simply as a mouth for cock. There shouldn’t be any decorative distractions, not even earrings, when I lie on my back on the gymnast’s horse -- my head tilted upside down over the edge to deep-throat the longest, thickest dong with which the judges want to test me. For the more you can level out the bend in your neck, the more your throat can act just like a cunt. That’s one of the nuggets of wisdom you gain only through sucking.
Then, in the same position, I’ll take two cocks at once. So I must remember to ask my dentist for one of those oral surgery clamps to practice stretching my mouth. Also I’ll need lots more collagen shots for my pouty, bee-stung lips, to make them just like a cunt.
A related routine I want to perfect is simultaneously playing a number of cocks like a xylophone. At the World Championships, I’ll have a row of men, maybe 10, lined up on the stage. The trick will be to make them all come at almost exactly the same time. This requires unusual patience and perception on my part, which I’m confident the judges will recognize. When I start to taste the pre-cum from one cock, I’ll have to move immediately to the next, and so forth, and then back again.
I’ll need more than a few good men to help me practice this event. So if you want to help my most girly, Cinderella-like dream come true, do be a Prince Charming, won’t you, and volunteer. We’ll make Claudia lustfully jealous with my non-stop practicing to take her crown. Although this provides a wonderful excuse to service my insatiable oral needs with uncountable numbers of men, still my pretty, cum-sucking head remains full of worry:
What am I going to say during the contest’s interview segment? Part of the contest’s new format, it’s as anxiety-producing as how I’ll style my hair that championship day. What would Claudia say? What will I say when the moderator asks me the question:
“How would you make the world a better place?”
Joyce James
© 2006 Joyce James


